Unnamed Judge condemns Israel Folau | SATIRE

JUDGEMENT: Israel Folau is not a persecuted Christian: he is a misguided menace.
JUDGEMENT: Israel Folau is not a persecuted Christian: he is a misguided menace.

As the world awaits the Israel Folau verdict - which may be delivered before this piece is published - I will render my own verdict using a skill obtained by dipping my toe, then diving head first, into life's murky waters.

Like Folau, I dreamed, as a child, of sporting glory. My formative years were marked by the pursuit of that goal. They were also marked by my indoctrination into the Catholic Church.

But unlike Folau, I didn't have the toolbox required to be an elite athlete, or the blind faith of a Christian. Instead, I chose the life of a debauched journalist/writer.

Based on Folau's assessment that "hell awaits drunks, homosexuals, adulterers, liars, fornicators, thieves, atheists and idolaters" unless they "repent", a place in that metaphysical dungeon of horrors awaits me - because I have been most of those things.

In all likelihood, I'm well past the halfway mark of enduring the real hell - life on Earth. But the characters I have created through my writings will live for "eternity", albeit, more than likely, in the freezing, furthermost reaches of the internet - like wretched humanoids "living" in an abandoned planetary outpost.

I have created a new character. The splendidly dishonourable Unnamed Judge, who, after careful consideration of Folau's case, will now render his verdict.

"Your Dishonour, this is an outrage! My client, Mr Folau, has not been afforded a fair hearing. You didn't even listen to the arguments of his legal team!"

"No, sir. The real outrage is that in the year 2019, after science's long-ago evisceration of religious tenets - to the point that "reasonable" believers now postulate the Big Bang theory of 'how can something come from nothing?' to validate God's existence - people like your client still cite the most discredited writings in history - written by people who had very little knowledge of their own surrounds, let alone the cosmos - to inflict further misery on some of society's most vulnerable: in this case gays. No, sir. That is the real outrage.

"Furthermore, I find that your client is dangerously out of step with the underpinning values of contemporary Australian society, which is no surprise given his adherence to the Old Testament, the bloodiest text ever written, and the slightly less offensive New Testament.

"As such, I find your client, Israel Folau, guilty of propagating the insidious beliefs of inferior humans, and recommend that his Rugby Australia contract be shredded and his Twitter account silenced."

"Your Dishonour, never before, in my long legal career, have I witnessed such a travesty of justice. You talk about 'contemporary Australian values', but where is the protection of Mr Folau's right to freedom of speech?"

"Sir, Mr Folau, unlike people living under the yoke of tyrannical regimes, has the right to express his views publicly. But, equally, he must be punished when those views are so egregious."